Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Ryan Argues the Merits of a Border Wall

Psychic Warriors, 

With all the drama happening to our political landscape, I'm sure we can all agree that it's difficult to focus on art at a time like this. While that's probably what we should be doing... we sadly aren't. 

You know me, bro. In a climate like this, nobody wants to hear about my artistic vision and shit. Lucky for you and for me, there's one thing I'm known for better than my sketchy drawings, and that's my love for cryptozoology. To say I'm an eminent expert on cryptids would be understating things. Shit, buddy, some books classify ME as a cryptid, so let's talk shop. 

There's a lot of sad, ugly, petty bullshit in the news right now about immigration. Something about heroin in taco trucks or some dumb shit like that. What the government and the media don't want you to know about is what may be the most terrifying threat to our national security to date:

Detailed above is a lone wolf, separated from the pack, absolutely caked in cocaine and prowling the deserts of Mexico in a maniacal, homicidal rage. The few tortured souls who manage to survive his rampages refer to him in secretive missives as, "El Lobo Ilello," but we cryptozoologists here in the states know him by another name. 

The Coke-Wolf. 

This picture shows the dreaded Coke-Wolf (clearly, totally the same wolf) emerging from a dust-storm of baby laxative on the outskirts of Durango roughly one year ago, having killed and eaten 60-75 brave patriots who dared stand their ground against his hydrochloric fury. This picture was suppressed by joint special intelligence efforts by both US and Mexican government agencies, but was recently leaked through shady Russian back-channels. 

In response, the neophyte Trump administration has attempted to spin this leak as a picture of a normal Canadian canine specimen, adding to the pile of conspiratorial lies that leak out on an almost-daily basis at this damn point. But seriously, buddy, can anyone actually take that horseshit at face value, like a wild wolf would just stand there and pose for a picture? Caked in blow?

No. The pure and simple fact of the matter is that the fake news media and the government are and always have been in collusion to hide from the working man several serious threats to our natural way of life:
  • What the deal is with that creepy Illuminati eye on our money.
  • How bacon became less expensive than broccoli. 
  • Psychic Karate.
  • The cure for Avian Dysentery. Spoiler alert: it's way worse than the actual bird-shits. 
  • The Coke-Wolf.

Now, I know what you're thinking, dude. "Ryan, my main man, why say all those horrible, racist things about our working-class neighbors down south? They didn't do that with killer bees, so what gives, bro?"

Come on! If the common man ever grew wise to the real threat coming across our border, our economy would collapse inside of a month, people! Getting middle America arguing over xenophobic concepts like immigrants taking our jobs has been a hallmark tool of mental manipulation since our country's inception. Look at that Satanic-as-fuck eye on your cash money, bro! People started asking questions about it after the Civil War, then some Fox News assholes spread all kinds of fake news all over the place about those fucking Irish coming in and taking everyone's jobs. 

Fifty years and a World War later, the subject popped back up again at your favorite local Irish tavern, "What's that shit on our money? And have you heard about Psychic Karate?" Boom, some Rush Limbaugh assholes start spouting off about those fucking Italian gangster motherfuckers taking our jobs. 

By the 90's, the Centers for Disease Control briefly mentioned the threat posed by Avian Dysentery, but the whole thing was quickly overwhelmed by a bunch of Breitbart assholes talking about how gay people were taking all of our good sitcom jobs. Like they were to blame for how bacon cheeseburgers somehow made it onto every fast food dollar menu in the same week.

The pattern's there for anyone to see, buddy! As soon as the middle class starts to get a handle on the Roswell alien or the Moth Man, a joint effort by the media and the government gets us arguing over issues of pseudo-nationalistic hatred toward other middle class people who have jack-shit to do with the problem.

We need that wall, people. But not to protect us from Mexicans... well, just one Mexican. The four-legged abomination we've always feared and never wanted to accept as a reality. He's bullet-proof, he can outrun a cheetah and he knows no fear. But he can't smell a damned thing anymore and he can't scale a wall for shit, buddy! He's the Coke Wolf, and he's coming to chew your children into a fine, whitish-pinkish powdered pile of gore if you don't wake up and do something about it.