Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Ryan's Pick-Up Lines for Alpha Males



Psychic Karate Clones, 

In a rabid, reflexive desire to pound crotch like a boss, you've been scouring the internet for that perfect, cost-free magic method that will elevate your game to the next stage and level. 

Let me school you up, bro. 

First, there are an array of power words that elicit submission from the most independent-minded of romantic targets, regardless of age or gender, so cougars and carpetbaggers alike take note, because this is that sick-ass pickup game that we alpha males love to bring to the party. 

Shampoo marketing catch-phrases: There's a reason the hair-care industry uses them, from pronouncing "sah-lawn" like a Euro-Brit to injecting the word, "sheen" into odd parts of a sentence, you can grab a paramour by the furchiner in 140 characters or less. I like to stand awkwardly close to a woman without speaking until she confronts me, usually with something like, "What's your problem, freak?" Being my turn to respond, I don't hold back, popping dope classics like, "Who me? I'm just building body with moisture-balancing fragrance capsules!"or, "Honey-child, I got the full-body bounce you can only get from that protein sheen!" or, "Girl, I'm protecting split ends with a Ph-balanced moisture formula for a sah-lawn body performance normally only found in a European spa!" Trust me, bro, they'll have sex with you right there in public. All night.

Logical paradoxes: They aren't just good for overthrowing robot overlords, they can also get you into a co-ed's pants! This is best for an icebreaker in a crowded room. Approach your sweet thang with an adult beverage and open with, "Hey, I've never done this before, but as soon as I set eyes on you, I just knew in my heart that I want and need to fuck the racism out of Donald Trump." If your would-be date happens to be of a different ethnic group, don't go with that one, buddy! Instead, try, "Yo, I don't do this, but I just wanted to introduce myself before the curfew happens, because then I'll have to return to the compound where I've been sexually abused for decades by the elders." Dude, it's so awesome watching the lights go out in a human mind. They'll literally just do whatever you want for the next hour or two while their personality reboots and slowly comes back online. 

Make Jesus sexual: This little mind trick doesn't actually rely on your target's beliefs, it's just a great all-around plan of attack in our Judeo-Christian hemisphere. As an aside, substitute the word, "Jesus" in the following examples for, "Confucius," "the Buddha" or, "our Great Leader" if you find yourself on the other side of the planet. Anyhow, this is a great pick-up strategy in public places, where everyone is on their way to somewhere different and not really paying attention to your schemes. Tap your sweetheart from behind and evangelize in your preachiest tone, "Bear witness, child! The sweet, hot, glistening love of Jesus Christ of Nazareth compels us to fondle the moist, supple, nubile Lamb of God, AMEN!" If your future conquest happens to see you first, raise your hands, as if in supplication, and repeat, "Oh Lord, our Father, our Heavenly, blessed, sweaty, buck-naked hard-body Redeemer showers his divine love all over us, YES! YES! YES, JE-SUS!" Now, I won't lie on this one, buddy, when you prompt your babycakes for an, "AMEN," you'll either get one back, in which case your good to go, or you better flee the scene before the cops make it there. Because they're on their way, bro.

So, there you go, buddy. No more need to scour the internet for the hidden psychological secrets to slamming legions of ass, because I just handed you that shit for free. Consider the playing field officially leveled, both figuratively and literally.

You're welcome, 

~ Ryan