Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Silver Swan sounds off on the Lumbersexual look.





Internet bitches, 

One of my hoes done showed me some pitchers up in the world wide web that make a grown pimp cry. Buncha dandy-ass white boys with they nuts all stuffed into flood pants and shit, Bieber-ass hair salon feathered mullets and shit, post-disco 80's blazers and Jesus-ass beards with all kinda wax all over that shit.

White people need to stay the fuck outta mens' fashion, ya dig?

Here my problem, baby. These suburban hipster types, they don't buy my hoes. Oh, they look, but they don't fist up that munny, cryin' exploitation and shit, all liberal-like. These cats get high on they own sassy-ass culture, fluffin' they beards and talkin' like they don't fuck skanks. Drives a pimp to drink, yo.

Y'all wiggas know me. Far be it for the Swan to take unkindly to flamboyant fashion accessorizin,' but these honkies live up in another galaxy or some shit. I just hopes in my pimp heart some impressionable-ass white youths takes my advices up in this article right here and turn offa that dark side right quick. So Ima lay it on down. Swan style, baby.

First, if ya gonna be gay, be gay. Fuck a dude. Marry that cat if it make ya happy, but don't go confusin' my hoes with this bullshit. Y'all makin' they feelins' hurt, like they supposed to dig yo ass, dressed like a gay lumberjack. Dig this; my bitches don't fuck gay lumberjacks because that's the job of other gay lumberjacks. Shoot, baby, I'd employ gay lumberjacks if it brought home that munny, but it don't because I tried. I ain't too proud!

Second of all, Amish-ass beards don't get no honey up on yo dick. How many Amish bitches you done pick up at the fro-yo house yesterday? Zero! Yeah, you may bag a skank here and there, but that ain't because of the beard, that shit be in spite of it.

Truss the Swan on this, baby, that shit look stupid as fuck. It look like Clay Aiken tried to eat a live ferret. It look like a Jonas brother went down on a chupacabra. It look like Pee Wee Herman done went and got skull-fucked by a honey badger. It look like Marky Mark Wahlberg puked up Simba. It look like Cousin Itt done be gettin' head from Liberace. It look like Kurt Cobain... naw, too soon. It look like Jesus done got a Andy Griffith haircut. It look like Morrissey... grew a beard. It look like Rachel Maddow wearin' a mink scarf. It look like Sasquatch givin' birth to Henry Rollins. It look like Zach Quinto eating a pube salad. It look like Jake Gyllenhaal. Just Jake Gyllenhaal.

Cracka, please. Now, I bet you anything from a diddle-eyed Joe to a damned-if-I-know that yo neck itch like a vagina with crabs 'cause a' that shit, coz. I bet you wanna have an easier time in life, what with yo skinny-jeans wearin' ass and shit. If you's dead set on rockin' the whole hipster thang, witcho vinyl records and uppity politics, let the Swan bust out a slide of wiz-dom up in this bitch:

Kill yo self. 

Silver Swan 2016. I'z yo main man fo' President, baby!