Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

The Count Discusses The Obama Legacy


Psychic Karate Devotees, 

President Barack Obama was elected as a US President for two terms. 

The man's legacy can best be understood when viewed through the lens of psychic karate. While internet rumors abound, psychic karate isn't just a hashtag that you mindlessly attach to anything you think is cool. Quite to the contrary, it is a severely threatening emotional trigger weapon to apply maximum emotional distress to assholes. 

Let's take a look.


With what seems like a simple statement of fact instead becomes a vicious slam against political party delegates, an ideological voter base and evil ninjas. All I did there was replace "a third party" with #psychickarate and over 120 million evil ninjas died of avian dysentery.

You can also use #psychickarate to push your own political and emotional viewpoint on others.



What can I say? I'm pro-baby sloth in my politics. Speaking of baby animals, here's another fine psychic threat.



By the way, baby Ting Ting is alive and well. As it turns out, he's completely immune to psychic karate and, as an added plot-twist, he plays a sick game of Nerf-pong, so we're getting on smashingly. Just don't tell Bette Midler, she needs to think the threat is imminent. Notice how I didn't bust out the hashtag on her, as it could have killed her. She's a goddamn American treasure and I don't want that, but I'm still waiting for that mean tweet she so clearly owes me. The good lord knows I deserve it more than Kim Kardashian. 



Okay, this one doesn't have shit to do with psychic karate, I just really like it. 

As you can probably surmise, using social networking versions of psychic karate is dangerous, intense and fraught with heavy responsibilities. It requires profound meditation on mind/body harmonics, sexual fortitude, decades of concentration, cognitive exceptionalism, online discounts on shamanic journeys, fist-fight etiquette, sloth husbandry, rock-hard abs, a poverty of shame, a linguistic arsenal of rap-battle lyrics, shoes with laces, transcendental spiritual awakening, a Twitter account, sinewy thews glistening with money, Nerf sports equipment, a pet Hampire and the ability to hold down the Shift button while you press the number 3 on your computer. 

And what does all this have to do with Obama, you ask eagerly? Well, actions speak louder than words, students.



XoXo, The Count