Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

The Count Reacts to Black Sabbath's final show announcements.



Online warriors, 

Classic rap group Black Sabbath has announced the final US and UK shows in their final hip hop tour. What does this mean to the discipline of psychic karate?

One must first meditate on the basic fundamentals of psychic karate in order to gain insight on this question. Thankfully, I have a meditative ritual that may help. This process requires several steps, so grab an adult beverage and prepare for battle. Go ahead, I'll wait. 

Here we go. 

Step 1: Pull up the most recent version of your resume. I know you're on the computer, so just pull that bad boy up. If you're on a smartphone and unable to pull it up, due to being in line for government benefits, picking up tickets for the Black Sabbath hip hop show, buying groceries or attending church... why are you doing these things while sipping on an adult beverage?  That's irresponsible! Follow directions! The only psychic ninjas getting a pass on this are the ones crying into their drink at the bar, eyeing up that hot ass near the pool table. BTdubs, they aren't interested, leave them be... this is more important. 

Step 2: In the "Previous Employment" section of the resume, update each job title to include the morphological prefix, "Crotch." Don't overthink it, as this works universally. Examples include, Administrative Crotch Assistant, Crotch Fry Cook, Crotch Sanitation Engineer, Customer Crotch Service Representative, Crotch Case Manager, Crotch Software Developer, Licensed Crotch Sales Representative, Independent Crotch Consultant, Crotch Gynecologist, Crotch Dental Assistant and so on and so forth. Leave everything else completely untouched. 

Step 3: In the education section, please replace the name of your high school with, "The Pan-dimensional Church of Enlightened Psychic Karate." Leave the address as-is. Now, update the title of the college you attended with, "Your Mama's House" and change the major to, "Porking." Again, all dates and addresses should remain the same. 

Step 4: In the references section, please delete everything and replace with a png image of the Hampire that you stole on the front of this website. Granted, you don't have the permission to use the Hampire's likeness for direct commercial gain or artistic expression, but you very much DO have explicit permission to shove that Hampire on any and all resumes you you create now or forever in the future.  Here he is:



Step 5: Update your contact information to reflect the following changes:

  • Facebook: http://twitter.com/VladAbacus
  • LinkedIn: www.facebook.com/vladabacus
  • Home Address: Your Mama's House (keep the street/zip code)
  • Phone Number: Keep that the same for Steps 6 and 7
  • E-mail Address: www.vladabacus.com
Step 6: Use this resume to apply to five jobs in your local area that you are utterly convinced you should never set foot in. Wait for a response, which can only come from a phone call. If you receive no response, keep repeating Step 6 until you do get a response. Whenever you receive a response, proceed to the 7th and final step.

Step 7: Go on and on about psychic karate with whomever is on the other line. To get the conversation going, here are some basic talking points:

  • If an ass gets kicked in the middle of the woods and nobody is there to see it, is my foot guilty of aggravated assault?
  • #psychickarate is the Promethian Fire the Porcelain Nativity Jesus warned us about in the Dread Book of the Outer Sky worm.
  • The next time you enjoy a hearty meal, you will experience a sense of bloating shortly afterward. That's my #psychickarate all up in them guts!
  • While we need rules and standards of decency to run an economy, we also need #psychickarate to run the economy of your mama's house. 
  • If religion is the opiate of the masses, #psychickarate is crystal meth for the silent majority.
  • @VladAbacus dishes out free #psychickarate the way @Oprah dishes out free cars. 


Thank you so kindly for your time and please enjoy the Black Sabbath rap show responsibly. Don't drive right now. 

XoXo, The Count