Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Valentimes Cards For Boys and Girls

Greetings, psychic initiates. This is your sensei, the Count.

Submitted for your edification is the first and likely ever art project from our resident demon pimp, the Silver Swan. He was kind enough to create a series of print-on-demand valentimes cards for you to ejaculate all over local coffee houses and senior bingo events. 

For the discerning psychic karate warrior, I offer critique and guidance, free of charge. 

Let's start out with an easy one. This is a good valentime to hand-deliver to that hot gym teacher you masturbated to in high school. You know, the one who gave you an "F" for shitting your pants during battle-ball. They caused you to do that with latent psychic karate powers and today is your day for revenge!

This next little number works well for Catholics. I know what you're thinking... why not Jews? Well, with Lent and all, your Pope-loving sweetheart is really craving bacon right about now, so do the fucking math.

This slice of existential terror is a great valentime for schoolmarms, fascists and Trump supporters. Nothing makes bigoted xenophobes more horny than a gay, Muslim Jesus. With an Afro.

This valentime's all about the shock and awe of circumlocutive sexual string theory. This is a great card for Star Wars nerds and Scientologists, who routinely employ this lexicon in their daily devotional activities.  

Chalk comes correct when it comes to cumming correctly, as evidenced by this tall drink of water right here. This is a great valentime to add to a bucket of Mexican seafood on that romantic dinner under the stars. By "stars," I mean "stairs."

Never too proud to be derivative, Gynoid knows how to replicate success in matters of love. This is a great card to give to a motherboard. That's right, some of you will fuck a motherboard on valentimes and who am I to judge?

When it comes to romance, Ryan O'Laughlin brings the thunder. If you like your thunder expressed in nauseating spasms, that is! Ryan's hideous visage is enough to get two people who aren't Ryan O'Laughlin seriously hot for one another. If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love someone who isn't Ryan! 

You know, you just have to admire the production quality the Swan put into these. I mean, he managed to fit all these shitty PNG images inside the lines and everything! Which is a hell of a lot more than I can say about his drive-by shootings.

Anyhow, gaze upon this romantic gem of pure sexual poetry right here. Sweet, simple and sexy, this a a great card to give to a corrupt police officer or maybe a power-mad Congressional representative. It's both an overture of lust and a passive-aggressive warning in one neat little punk rock package. 

Speaking of packages, valentimes like to be confronted with nasty metaphors about their own damaged sexual equipment. This being undeniably the case, this one's a fantastic card for victims of leaked sextapes, wardrobe malfunctions and paparazzi snafus.

Speaking of assaultive sexual embarrassment, this hot tamale right here is a great option for registered sex offenders and pizza delivery drivers. Fun fact: if you plot a Venn diagram showing registered sex offenders in relation to pizza delivery drivers, it's looks like a perfect, singular circle. 

Speaking of sexual predators, Chalk demonstrates his ever-impressive command of linguistics by marrying the charm of antiquity with a cheap, internet money-shot. This is a great card for foxy librarians and Satanists, who both possess a hellish command of the Dewey decimal system. 

This one's for the Jews!

And why not give that Jew you love two valentimes this year? Too soon?

Again, I just have to say how impressed I am with the quality of these. For a sterling silver waterfowl, this pimp knows how to keep it classy with the 3rd grade cutouts. Think about how good this one would look on red construction paper...

Anyhow, if you need a conservative valentime card for the shy paramour, look no further than this playful Gynoid cocktease right here. This is just a classy card for celebrity chefs and socialist dictators, who are known for their refined sensibility and intense vulnerability to psychic karate. 

Well, I hope this stroll through the Swan's secret garden proved informative and romantic for you. I sincerely hope your valentimes this year is filled with romantic treasures and the lamentations of your enemies' kinfolk as they collapse in abject horror at the destruction you have brought upon their houses, hearths and homes. 


Vlad Abacus