Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Vlad Abacus Reviews: Star Wars: The Force Awakens



Hi, it's your friend, The Count. 

Star Wars wasn't too bad. 

Anyhow, I'd like to speak with you all for a moment about psychic karate. In order to have an appropriate discussion on the fundamentals of the discipline, we must first understand what psychic karate is NOT.  It is not pacifism; it is used quite explicitly to destroy assholes by the most chaotic means available.  It is also not a form of dance, though most applications of the discipline are visually indistinguishable from modern disco shimmying. Finally, it is imperative that young kids these days acknowledge that psychic karate is not a form of ritual magic or sorcery, but a very scientifically-based method of warfare. 

To get us started, I'd like you, the reader, to stand up.  That's right, stand up.  There you go.  Now, raise your hands to the air, as if in supplication to a higher authority.  Now, with a chopping motion, bring your blade-like palms down, forcefully and in synchronicity, onto your hip-bones.  Try not to blast the crotch.

Excellent!  This motion reverses the magnetic polarization of your chakras, allowing you to blast hateful energy through the energy centers of your sexual naughty bits. Perfecting this technique, in combination with the correct verbal intonations, will produce your first fighting move. 

I call it, "The Vandross."

Now, for novices, this will not be a killing technique.  Only masters who have practiced it tens of thousands of times in tournament settings can get it to the point of a one-shot kill, but most of your victims will still feel its power in the early stages.  Your victims should experience bloating and fatigue after their next heavy meal, along with random, severe hemorrhagic episodes from the eyes, face, head, neck and throat regions.  When that happens, you know you're getting good. 

Oh, and I almost forgot, the vocal intonations.  Please don't think of these as power-words, as they are merely an effective conduit for the particular shape of the killing energy created at that specific time.  Go ahead, stand up again. I'll wait. 

Good.  Now, assume the position, hands aloft.  As you strike down crotchward, scream this as loud as you can:

"SHE-MOAN-AH!"

It may take a few tries.  In public.  Perhaps the local library. 

Anyway, I thank you kindly for your kind attention.  Please don't flame me for my opinion on Star Wars, or I will destroy you utterly with psychic karate. 

Love, 

The Count