Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

Not Your Grandmother's Dentures

What is Psychic Karate?



Salutations, pantsless warriors!

It's your old boozing buddy Chalk Chesterton here with a brand new bag of artisinal word salad straight from the underground! 

Some of you may remember me from the time I tried to patent bathroom cameras and wound up in a brutish intellectual property battle with the Holy Roman Fiber Optic Pipeline. Most of you probably know me as the hypothetical cross-dresser lurking in women's bathrooms, lying in wait to molest the daughters of conservative political leaders.

But enough about me! I'm here with you good gentlepersons on this fine, fancy day to discuss #psychickarate. Despite constant attempts to clarify the subject, Vlad Abacus continues to muddy the already shit-stained waters of the online zeitgeist by showing us psychic karate without actually telling us what it is. Ever the journalistic dandy, I figured I'd take some questions from the community in hopes of clarifying the issue before us. 

Without further pomp and ado, I've selected the most common questions sent to me by Tinder, Bandcamp and carrier pidgeon with an eye on providing clear answers, in descending order of frequency. So, let's get whacking!

Our first question comes from a variety of outlets and is by far the most common question, summed up most eloquently by j1zzl0bb3rm4ng1n4:

"What teh funk is going on, lolz?"

Well, my good man, I'll tell you what's going on. Vlad Abacus is trying to educate us on the discipline of Psychic Karate by hosting this effervescent website. Do try to take the subject seriously, that's a good chap. 

Our next question was posed most eloquently by douchetool69er:

"Hey, you fag @VladAbacus, why don't you know the difference between between rap music and heavy metal?"

That's an astute observation, douchetool69er. Our dear psychic sensei does seem to have some kind of cultural synethesia when it comes to distinguishing between hip hop and stoner metal, ghetto beats and sludge metal, rap battles and doom metal and so on and so forth. More to the point, in answer to your query, go suck my distended pork sword, you dainty little nancy boy, you!

The internet is fun! Okay, this next one's the third most common question, worded most succinctly by punkysoccermom56:

"Isn't #psychickarate just some made-up bullshit designed to promote some asshole's art website?"

punkysoccermom56, how dare you! Psychic Karate is real and it's terrifying! Show some class, woman, warfare's no joke and your diabetic, hormonally-challenged children's future is very much at stake with regard to the outcome. Do not vex me further, good lady, with such irresponsible drivel. It's real, I say!

Strangely, this next question emerged with frightening commonality, scribed most artfully by capnB33F34T3R:

"Can all thes other assholes jst shuck the fut up and so we can sub RSS feeds of Silver Swan liek FOREVER! Nobody cared abot bitchasst #psychickarate, just sell us Silver Swan t-shirts FTW!"

capnB33F34T3R, can I call you Cap'n? Oh, Cap'n, my Cap'n, HOW DARE YOU? My colleagues here work hard to deliver a fair and balanced view of the Psychic Karate experience, and that vile villain the Swan simply hangs about, dumbing down the discussion with his lexical demonics. (And I mean that in the most complimentary way, my fine feathered pimp...)

Smooth, merciful operator, this is starting to read like a petite mal seizure. This really went off the tracks fast! Oh, fuck it, I'll just pick my favorite question of them all and end with a grand old bang! 

This one comes from lourde0terror:

"Hey, Chalk Chesterton, how many sexually confused rockabilly hipsters did you molest in the early nineties?"

How dare you, lourde0terror? I'm incensed by the filthy, unfounded implication that my career of ambiguously consensual sexual contact can be so fancifully pigeonholed into such a perversely small window of time as the early nineties! You addle me, vex me ad nauseam and, just, how dare you!

Have I done things I'm not proud of? Do I have regrets? Would I take things back, given half the jolly chance? Well, verily and in truth forsooth... fuck, no lourde0terror! One of those early nineties hipsters I so vaingloriously violated was your very own maternal ancestor, roughly nine months prior to your crack-nourished birth, you ungrateful web-troll of a delinquent online addict of a failed abortion, how dare you!

Well, there you have it, dojo denizens, Psychic Karate is defined by its inability to defy rational definition and I had unprotected, diseased sexual congress with the majority of your parents nine months before you ever sucked a teat, so do try to take it easy and not overthink things, shall we, poppets?