Psychic Karate Novels by Ryan O'Laughlin

Psychic Karate Novels by Ryan O'Laughlin
Psychic Karate Novels by Ryan O'Laughlin

Silver Swan and the History of Human Courtship

Internet karate bitches, 

Silver Swan here. I'm ya boy with the valentimes, playah. Swan knows damn well you just got yo tax check up in this bitch and need to buss out some valentimes up on them geni-tiles, but peep this shit first, baby.

Back in the day, old-ass humans used to use a matchmaker to find they husbands and brides and shit, so as to keep theyselves from rapin' each other to death, coz. This original pimp knew these damn hairless monkeys was gonna fuck the earth till it look like Detroit, so it was a serious-ass job, ya dig, baby?

Anyhow, these gay hairless monkeys develop the number line and shit and come to realize they pimp is a shapeshifting spirit from old demon-times, when dino-saucers done disco-stepped all over the pyramids and shit, so they got hella scared, playah. They done drove that benevolent-ass matchmaker diety outta they tabernacle parties and shit and replaced his fly ass with sumpin' they call, "civilization." Central aspect to this bowl-shit right here was the idea they get they damn parents to pimp them instead. Like that was gonna work. 

Fass forward that cassette tape, you get this fucked-up block party they call, "Sumer." These "civilized" apes got they daddies pimpin' they vaginas out over into nearby farmsteads to keep they brothers from rapin' the fuck outta every anal cavity up in that mammer-jammer. So, that shit don't work and them apes go and rape they way up inta Asia and Europe. And we ain't gonna talk about Africa, bitch. We ain't goin' there. 

Take a brief intermission for Moses and Buddha and that elephant-head mofo and alla sudden, you got the history of "humanity" up on yo bookshelf.  Whole damn time, crackas got they daddies hoein' out they daughters to keep the rape-train at the station. Hunned fitty thousand years brainwashin' got these bitches thinkin' that they ain't gay lumbersexual chimpanzees. A fucked-up little slice of these honkeys done make they way to the new world and come up with this crazy idea ain't nobody ever heard about: stop havin' daddy pimp out they vaginas. Maybe just figger it out on they own, maybe usin' this new weapon they develop, called, "liberty."

This shit go psycho real quick. Since none of these bitches evolved to pick they own ape to fuck, half of these white boys get the idea to free the slaves the other half got pickin' tobaccy. They say, "Shit, coz, see all them slaves you got from that continent we ain't gonna talk about? Let they asses run free. Give 'em capes and fancy hats and shit, so they can sell us a fine selection of fly honey for valentimes. Sixty dollars."

Well, you saw the movie. Shoot, back in Europe, they get the same idea, but a different pimp. Euro-freaks done say, "Yo, see that dude in the military jacket? I bet he done sell us some fine hoochie valentimes if we let him take over. I bet he keep the price low, too, like sixty dollars. Where my Jews at?" Yeah, you saw that movie, too. Asia be like, "The village is my pimp now, boy-boy! It all the same price, baby! Skanks is sixty dollars! Toof brushes is sixty dollars! Slices of toilet papers is sixty dollars! Megaton warheads is sixty dollars!" They still filmin' that movie, coz.

Cracka, please. Shit don't change. With these valentimes, alls you gots to do is let the Silver Swan take the wheel. I'm yo mama, I'm yo daddy, I'm that waterfowl in the alley. You know you gonna spend that tax check on a gay, hairless, lumbersexual ape 'cuz you can't control yoself, coz. I done seen it all since the beginning and I'll be sellin' you skanks at the bitter, bitter end. You know me, I'm your friend, demon pimp, thick and thin. 

I'm your Silver Swan.