Psychic Karate Devotees,
President Barack Obama was elected as a US President for two terms.
The man's legacy can best be understood when viewed through the lens of psychic karate. While internet rumors abound, psychic karate isn't just a hashtag that you mindlessly attach to anything you think is cool. Quite to the contrary, it is a severely threatening emotional trigger weapon to apply maximum emotional distress to assholes.
Let's take a look.
Exit polls on both sides tonight report 40-60% support voting for #psychickarate in lieu of the front runners in the general election.— Vlad Abacus (@VladAbacus) March 16, 2016
With what seems like a simple statement of fact instead becomes a vicious slam against political party delegates, an ideological voter base and evil ninjas. All I did there was replace "a third party" with #psychickarate and over 120 million evil ninjas died of avian dysentery.
You can also use #psychickarate to push your own political and emotional viewpoint on others.
If you can't get down with hugging a baby sloth, I will destroy you with #psychickarate https://t.co/v93gxWdvpe— Vlad Abacus (@VladAbacus) March 19, 2016
What can I say? I'm pro-baby sloth in my politics. Speaking of baby animals, here's another fine psychic threat.
By the way, baby Ting Ting is alive and well. As it turns out, he's completely immune to psychic karate and, as an added plot-twist, he plays a sick game of Nerf-pong, so we're getting on smashingly. Just don't tell Bette Midler, she needs to think the threat is imminent. Notice how I didn't bust out the hashtag on her, as it could have killed her. She's a goddamn American treasure and I don't want that, but I'm still waiting for that mean tweet she so clearly owes me. The good lord knows I deserve it more than Kim Kardashian.
Let's just be honest with one another. The apex of human evolution occurred somewhere between @Bootsy_Collins and @SnoopDogg .— Vlad Abacus (@VladAbacus) March 23, 2016
Okay, this one doesn't have shit to do with psychic karate, I just really like it.
As you can probably surmise, using social networking versions of psychic karate is dangerous, intense and fraught with heavy responsibilities. It requires profound meditation on mind/body harmonics, sexual fortitude, decades of concentration, cognitive exceptionalism, online discounts on shamanic journeys, fist-fight etiquette, sloth husbandry, rock-hard abs, a poverty of shame, a linguistic arsenal of rap-battle lyrics, shoes with laces, transcendental spiritual awakening, a Twitter account, sinewy thews glistening with money, Nerf sports equipment, a pet Hampire and the ability to hold down the Shift button while you press the number 3 on your computer.
And what does all this have to do with Obama, you ask eagerly? Well, actions speak louder than words, students.
A quick word to the politically active who think fist-fights forward your nonsense agenda: stay home and do some #psychickarate .— Vlad Abacus (@VladAbacus) March 16, 2016
XoXo, The Count
#psychickarate involves prolonged, mindful meditation upon what esoteric scholars refer to as, "dopeness." pic.twitter.com/FYFzOFTVYl— Vlad Abacus (@VladAbacus) March 23, 2016