Psychic Karate Devotees,
President Barack Obama was elected as a US President for two terms.
The man's legacy can best be understood when viewed through the lens of psychic karate. While internet rumors abound, psychic karate isn't just a hashtag that you mindlessly attach to anything you think is cool. Quite to the contrary, it is a severely threatening emotional trigger weapon to apply maximum emotional distress to assholes.
Let's take a look.
Exit polls on both sides tonight report 40-60% support voting for #psychickarate in lieu of the front runners in the general election.— Vlad Abacus (@VladAbacus) March 16, 2016
With what seems like a simple statement of fact instead becomes a vicious slam against political party delegates, an ideological voter base and evil ninjas. All I did there was replace "a third party" with #psychickarate and over 120 million evil ninjas died of avian dysentery.
You can also use #psychickarate to push your own political and emotional viewpoint on others.
If you can't get down with hugging a baby sloth, I will destroy you with #psychickarate https://t.co/v93gxWdvpe— Vlad Abacus (@VladAbacus) March 19, 2016
What can I say? I'm pro-baby sloth in my politics. Speaking of baby animals, here's another fine psychic threat.
Don't make me use psychic karate on this baby panda, @BetteMidler ! https://t.co/btEcv5OnsW— Vlad Abacus (@VladAbacus) March 13, 2016
By the way, baby Ting Ting is alive and well. As it turns out, he's completely immune to psychic karate and, as an added plot-twist, he plays a sick game of Nerf-pong, so we're getting on smashingly. Just don't tell Bette Midler, she needs to think the threat is imminent. Notice how I didn't bust out the hashtag on her, as it could have killed her. She's a goddamn American treasure and I don't want that, but I'm still waiting for that mean tweet she so clearly owes me. The good lord knows I deserve it more than Kim Kardashian.
Let's just be honest with one another. The apex of human evolution occurred somewhere between @Bootsy_Collins and @SnoopDogg .— Vlad Abacus (@VladAbacus) March 23, 2016
Okay, this one doesn't have shit to do with psychic karate, I just really like it.
As you can probably surmise, using social networking versions of psychic karate is dangerous, intense and fraught with heavy responsibilities. It requires profound meditation on mind/body harmonics, sexual fortitude, decades of concentration, cognitive exceptionalism, online discounts on shamanic journeys, fist-fight etiquette, sloth husbandry, rock-hard abs, a poverty of shame, a linguistic arsenal of rap-battle lyrics, shoes with laces, transcendental spiritual awakening, a Twitter account, sinewy thews glistening with money, Nerf sports equipment, a pet Hampire and the ability to hold down the Shift button while you press the number 3 on your computer.
And what does all this have to do with Obama, you ask eagerly? Well, actions speak louder than words, students.
A quick word to the politically active who think fist-fights forward your nonsense agenda: stay home and do some #psychickarate .— Vlad Abacus (@VladAbacus) March 16, 2016
XoXo, The Count
#psychickarate involves prolonged, mindful meditation upon what esoteric scholars refer to as, "dopeness." pic.twitter.com/FYFzOFTVYl— Vlad Abacus (@VladAbacus) March 23, 2016