Psychic Karate Novels by Ryan O'Laughlin

Psychic Karate Novels by Ryan O'Laughlin
Psychic Karate Novels by Ryan O'Laughlin

The Silver Swan's Top 10 Tips for Dating

Assalamu alaikum, bitches. 

Now, if you wanna get with my hoes, it's gonna cost you at least 60 dollars.  But that ain't all.  My honeys discriminate. Like all ladies' men do, here's an internet list on what you have to do to get the freak on freaky-like with classy-ass skanks. Top-ten style, y'all. 

1.  Put the "cock" in "peacock." Even pimps in olden times know that once you put rhinestones on your cell phone, it's time to save a dick-pick.  Listen, dawg, whenever you think it's time to show her yo thang, truss me, you shoulda done it 24 hours earlier.  You can have all the fancy clothes and custom capes you want, but that ho needs to see that dick at an inappropriately early point in the relationship.  

2.  Ethyl-ass alcohol.  God didn't put it here to shine shoes, playah.  That Courvoisier needs to rain, bitch.  Go over to her family house.  Find the youngest child up in that motherfucker and get it straight crooked on Courvoisier, then pay for the stomach pump with your Obamacare.  Drives hoes wild. 

3.  Don't cry, objectify!  They's seven stages to the progression of a modern courtship.  Now, being too drunk on Courvoisier, ain't no damn reason to memorize them!  Just remember, the transition into each new stage is revealing to you old lady that you consider her an acquisition first and a human far second.  Ain't no damn reason to get stylish about it, just be honest!  Say, "Girl, this thing we got, it's like so special, because it's a thing.  You know, like a fancy car or some shit I can brag about to motherfuckers.  Ima put you on the hood of my Caprice Classic."  

4.  Jilted exes get you sexes.  That's right, you need dramatic, spontaneous arguments with ex-wives and whatnot.  Tells that girl you got options right out the gate.  Arrange a fake-ass argument with a woman pretending to be a baby-mama to interrupt a date proposition and watch that honey respond.  Shoot, if you need a woman to do it, I'll get you one for 60 dollars. 

5.  Kill Hitler.  Tell that ho you killed Hitler.  She don't know no better. 

6.  Confuse the value of a dollar.  Bitches love it when they think you don't know how to count.  Next time she ask you to go to the movies, fan out a wad of hundreds and say, "Shoot, baby, Ima have to wait for that welfare check to cash.  Let's stay in, so I can get you pregnant!"  I spawned five kids that way.  State took em.

7.  Piss off her mom.  Biddies between the ages of 15 to 35 fuck dudes that piss they mom off.  Why do you think Tip #2 works so well?  Dudes, growing up, they know damn well that when they get into some shit with they dads, they can just throw down some kung-fu and kick the shit outta one another, but mothers and daughters spend decades playin some passive-aggressive-ass chess games inside they heads.  Guess what?  Yo dick is the pawn.

8.  Frozen yogurt.  I don't know what it is about the fro-yo.  Hoes just like it.  You ever see a dude in a fro-yo house?  That dude is with a fly honey and he's 25 minutes from getting straight-up fellated.  Just do it, I know it looks gay, but fuck it, right?

9.  Candy dish.  That's right!  Buy a big-ass candy dish.  Fill it fulla pills.  Birth-control, anti-anxiety, painkiller, all that shit.  Put some circus peanuts up in that shit, too.  Just leave it on the coffee table right in front of the Netflix-and-chill session.  You be paying child support in nine months, boy-boy.

10.  Give the Silver Swan sixty dollars!  Rinse and mothafuckin repeat!  This advertisement was approved by the Silver Swan, who approves of this ad!  Silver Swan for President in 2016, fuckin' GOP, shorty!  I put the "cock" in Iowa Caucus with the fly-ass honey.  Yo vote count!