Psychic Karate Novels by Ryan O'Laughlin

Psychic Karate Novels by Ryan O'Laughlin
Psychic Karate Novels by Ryan O'Laughlin

Vlad Abacus discusses the Donald Trump controversies.

Welcome, eager disciples.

Donald Trump is a person running for President who has said and done no small number of things. 

I think what's most important here is how we look at all of this in relation to psychic karate. To do this, one must first accept that psychic karate is not a possession you acquire, but instead an indigenous, native, organic part of yourself that you unleash on assholes to destroy the shittiness of their whole biopsychosocial situation. These worthy targets are detailed in the esoteric world of psychic karate as "sucka emcees," which can be defined thusly:

Sucka Emcee (n): A fool that tries to step up to the mic.

When you find yourself dealing with a sucka emcee, the discipline of psychic karate provides a way to mitigate their punk-assedness by the most outrageous means available. When employed correctly, if the target even survives, their mitochondrial DNA is irrevocably altered in such a way that 7 times 7 generations of their descendants won't even fucking dare to step up to that mic.

Let's practice. Stand up and make sure you have a good yard in diameter of clearance all about you. That's right, get situated. Okay, so form "pistol" shapes with your hands, with both the index and middle fingers as the gun barrels. Slowly point the gun barrels to the ground, moving downward in synchronicity until both hands are inside your pants and underwear, up to the mid-forearm.  Make sure the gun barrels are rubbing your taint liberally. At this point, your legs should be bowed and during this "windup" period of summoning the killing energy, feel free to crab-walk from side to side, if need be.  Good.

The next part's complex, but allows for some creativity in expression. At this point, both hands emerge, still gun-shaped, with the thumbs out like cocked hammers. When you bring a hand to your nose to sniff the gun-barrel fingers, this creates a sympathetic bond between your own monstrous juices and your visualized target, granting you six "shots" per each hand that can be fired out into the universe. Bear in mind, student, that each shot must pair with a sniff and correspond with one of the following vocalizations:

  • DINGA-STO-MEBEBBEH! - Sucka emcee feels a slight sense of loss. May also puke cerebrospinal fluid randomly.
  • SCOOPAH-DAPOOPAH! - Sucka emcee feels responsible for your actions. May also experience a cerebrovascular accident.
  • CHICKA-FILLAY! - Sucka emcee feels like the target of inexplicable bigotry. May also die from internal combustion.
  • BUTTAH-FOO-KWIO! - Sucka emcee loses an IQ point. May also shit out their own spinal column.

Bear in mind, students, that an enormous amount of hatred must be brought to bear in order to perfect this extremely deadly technique.

I call it, "The Olde Dirty."

Banned from most psychic karate tournaments, this ancient and vicious move should be reserved for the most vocally deranged sucka emcees polluting the zeitgeist and should never be used in sparring situations. If you would like to practice, I suggest aiming this newfound weapon of yours at a political personality whom you may find to be highly reprehensible and completely beyond conventional human redemption.

I'll leave the decision as to who that may be in your more-than-capable hands.

Thank you kindly for your kind attention.


The Count