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Pete Discusses THE AUTODIDACT
Greetings, webpage warriors, Chalk Chesterton here with another hot interview! You may remember me from that nude mail-order videocassette scam from back in the day that wound up regulating the amount of male scrotal tissue allowed in nature documentaries. Or perhaps you were part of the class-action lawsuit over my greatest hits album, "Go Chest(erton), Young Man: Chalk Thrusts to the Oldies." But enough about me! You've wandered this way for my exclusive interview with Pete Langella, that dandy darling narrator of THE AUTODIDACT, gourmet of human extinction and daffy goth culture authority.
CC: Well, hello, Pete, you old fannytanner, you! I simply can't thank you vigorously enough for your kind attention.
PL: You're welcome, Chad. I configured a whole new head for the interview, along with a three dimensional torso and everything!
CC: Well, that's just... confusing. Anyways, my audience is brimming with turgid titillation to hear about your recent travails. Having just crested and coyly climaxed the first anniversary of your book, THE AUTODIDACT, do please tell us your juicy inner thoughts on how the book has been received thus far, that's a good chap?
PL: What book? Oh, right, it's out. Hmm, have the mass suicides started yet?
CC: My good man, whatever are you alluding to?
PL: Um... nothing! Hey, Chuck, is that Robert Pattinson over there in the corner, behind you?
CC: What? No, good sir, that's a prophylactic dispensary. So, what have you done with your fine, fancy self in the past year, do tell?
PL: Who, me? Oh, I've been on a vacation holiday. Spent a good amount of time just hanging around, you know? Doing some Penny-wising, you know? Just here and-
CC: Excuse me, lad, what did you say? What's, "Penny-wising?"
PL: It's the hot new thing all the kids are doing to each other. The new craze. It's like fidget spinners.
CC: Listen here, old bird, I spend a fancy free and fair amount of time around and up inside today's wayward youth and hand of doom, I've never heard of any such jolly pastime with the aforementioned maniacal moniker. Do explain, poppet.
PL: Sure! It's that thing the kids do that's so hot right now. What you do is attach your consciousness to an individual victim, right? Then, when that person looks down, say, like, a dark alleyway or something, you quickly eventuate a material body, right? Flash a quick smile. Beckon them over, real creepy. Now, you have to do this again and again, like from the shadows, like out of bathroom curtains and half-open barn doors and whatnot, till they finally snap and come over to confront you. You feel me?
CC: Not remotely. Nevertheless, do continue.
PL: Okay, then, like when they walk over to you into the shadows? That's when you release all the teeth and you keep ripping away at their skeleton until there's nothing left but tattered clothing and carbonized bone shards.
CC: Smooth, merciful operator, you're a monster! How dare you, my good man?
PL: What did I do? I didn't invent this; all the kids are doing it right now! It's like fidget spinners.
CC: Mister Langella, if that's even your real name, I can verily and voraciously assure you with zealous confidence that young children are not going around Penny-wising people; you just made that up, you sexy devil, you!
PL: Yes, they are! It's the Millennials.
CC: The Millennials?!
PL: Yup. They love it. It's the hot new thing.
CC: Old sport, this is pure drivel! Millennials quite certainly do not have the corporeal ability to tastelessly teleport their way to shadowy and murderous ambuscadoes! I say, now, sir, you are jolly well mistaken in this regard, and, to be zestfully forthwith about the entire matter, I owe it to my devoted audience to call you out about this irresponsible, ultra-violent nonsense, that's a good lad!
PL: Now you listen to me, Chet. I've been called many things throughout infinite eternity, everything from the ultimate doom of all sentient life to a master of all dance forms, but never- oh, let me repeat- NEVER, have I been called... whatever it is you just called me. I assume it was bad. So, I'll give you one and only one chance at redemption, here. If you're so certain that you know everything about the Millennials and their pastimes, why don't you explain the logic behind fidget spinners? Hmm? We're waiting...
CC: You dastardly villain! I can do no such thing, as no rational mind could!
PL: Checkmate. You just got destroyed on the internet.
CC: Pete, you wily stallion, I can assure you, this isn't he first time. Well, fantastic interview, I must say, sir! Shall we make a night of it and sample the local club scene? I hear there's a new Tide Pod bar premiering down the strip.
PL: Let's do it! Maybe later, we can do a bit of light Penny-wising behind the Chinese restaurant.
Well, there you have it, Psychic Karate vanguards! Pete Langella is back in your neighborhood and escalating his killing cycle once again, which proves the end times are upon us! Kiss your loved ones goodbye and rub a quick one out for your old pal, Chalk. Ta!