Vlad Abacus
Known informally as the Count, Vlad is something of an urban legend. Having mastered the art of psychic karate, he has turned his pursuits toward building an army of psychic warriors. The Count has built this website as a means to recruit a dojo of followers and uses all other contributors as a means of marketing his message.
Though Vlad's ultimate goal remains a mystery, he seems intent on evangelizing psychic karate and speaks openly about fighting and winning what he calls, "The War on Social Justice." The Count's hobbies include rap battles, psychic warfare and winning arguments.
Chalk Chesterton
Chalk is an old-school gentleman of unknown nationality. Having cut his teeth in the 80's as a hardcore punk/metal performer, he used his considerable wealth to secure a PhD in Anthropology, thinking this an acceptable qualifier to get involved in the pornography industry on an academic level. In his older years, Chalk has since retired to the profession of online journalism, where Vlad brings him in to cover interviews and answer questions from the community. Chalk's hobbies include sextapes, hunting humans for sport and facial mutilation.
The Hampire
The Hampire snorts blood. Lots of it. After centuries of terror, he was captured in the dank forests of Romania by cryptozooligists, who promptly died terrible deaths. He remains at large, though the Count has managed to recruit him for the dojo as some strange form of mascot. This is the only known portrait of the Hampire, as to see him is to see your own bloody death. The Hampire's hobbies include finding you and snorting the blood of everyone you ever loved.
Ryan O'Laughlin
Doomed psychology student and washed-up artist, Ryan has been somehow forced by the Count to produce literature and drawings to market Vlad's website. Though not very smart or talented, this allows the Count to manipulate him easily, as Vlad seems to place quantity over quality. Ryan's hobbies include listening to heavy metal, drinking whiskey and having sex with women. Being no good at any of these things, the Count views it as a public service to keep him off the street and hard at work on art projects.
The Silver Swan
Dread pimp of the streets, the Swan is a feared and hated menace of the underground. He has an army of prostitutes acting as a spy network, gathering intel on jewelry and liquor stores. Despite the extreme level of danger in dealing with the Swan, Vlad brings him in to discuss fashion and culture, hoping to gather as much negative publicity as possible for his website with the Swan's dark and insane remarks. The Swan's hobbies include controlling people through drug addiction, drive-by-shootings and white slavery.
Gynoid 0.1.1.2.3.5.8.13.21,
fuck it, we're calling her,
"Gynoid Fibonacci"
fuck it, we're calling her,
"Gynoid Fibonacci"
The Gynoid brings the closest thing to a woman's perspective the website has to offer. An automaton sex-doll that achieved sentience, the Gynoid has some rather strong opinions on the objectification of women and the role of masturbation in human cognition. The Count tries to employ her for maximum trending effect, for while her overly mathematical analysis of humans can be a bit high-brow, she always brings you back home with her "come hither" slut-aping and bangin' titties. Hobbies include recording human orgasms, flirting and advocating human rights for extremely sexy objects.
Pete Langella
Known by aboriginal humanity as, "The Outer Sky Worm," Pete is a loving, friendly and nurturing cosmic devourer. Despite the intense existential danger of keeping him around, Vlad uses Pete as a cultural correspondent, believing this shapeshifting menace can somehow be kept at bay with Psychic Karate. Pete has deeply nuanced opinions on goth culture, urban fantasy, freshly-bitten human gore and absolutely nothing else, making him something of a troublesome conversationalist. Pete's hobbies include spineripping, Penny-wising and gigadeath.
Unknown Contributor
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